This is what matters now. The two of us, together. What I want is less important than what we need in order to work. I know you’re worth it.
Help me find my way back to you. I kept you in my gaze as you became smaller and smaller, a speck on the horizon of my awareness. I told myself it wasn’t right. You should fill my field of vision the way you once did when you were my everything. I should be studying the colors that glimmer in your eyes. I should focus on the curves of your face ever fixed on me. Inspired, I look at you, and I see you are no longer looking at me. You are concerned with the waves building beside us. I glance over and now I notice them too. How did they become so daunting when I saw them as ripples just moments ago?
I reach for you and pull the water behind me, propelling myself toward you, toward your open arms. But I am going nowhere. Nowhere toward where I want to be. An undercurrent is tugging me further from you, from the shore, from everything I know to be steady and safe and good for me. How did I drift away so easily?
I tell myself we’re gonna be okay. I lie over and over. You become smaller in the distance and my resistance is waning.
We’re so happy when we’re far away, I lie over and over. I can be me, I say, and you can be you.
We weren’t meant for this. This separation is defeating us, and yet I cannot figure a way to move closer. Don’t ask how I got here. Just help me get to where you are. The nothingness surrounding me is overwhelming, draining, nearly impossible to overcome. How can I ever conquer the distance between us? Where will I find the strength to do more than just tread water?
This is what matters now. You are what matters now.
Forgive me, over and over.
Hear “Summer” on Elika’s current album, ‘Snuggle Bunnies.’
So what matters now?